Blog of Awesome: World Cup Soccer!

Ram that soccer trophy upwards, baby!

It's happening! It's finally happening! World Cup Soccer! Even Google is on it! Wow! Yay! WOWZL!11! 2014 FIFA World Cup, baby! Yeah! Hell yeah! Big ball bash!

World, I have news for you: no one in the US cares about the World Cup. No one in the US cares about soccer either. Here in America, more people are interested in the Thomas Cup of Badminton, slapping that shuttlecock around than the World Cup, even though China and recently Japan are the recent winners for the last several years. I don't even think the World itself really cares. They stop, just for a second, and realize how gay the whole thing is...

Soccer is boring. Playing Eve Online and travelling real-time to far-off worlds taking hours of travel, making sure you don't get sniped at a jump-gate is more interesting. Sitting on an airplane going to Toledo, Ohio from Dallas, Texas with no in-air entertainment, books, music, or any other sort of distraction but white-noise is more interesting. Turning off soccer from a TV, then watching a blank screen where once soccer had been moments ago is far, far more interesting than soccer. The US could give a rat's *ss about soccer, seriously.

On an amusing side-note, Batman has been anti-soccer because Brazil is about to collapse as a nation (I'll apologized for Detective Comics' profanity here.. but it's spoken in-context, particularly if you know what's been going on with Brazil lately..)

Lacrosse, a gay-man-s sporty sport

Now, there are parents that send their kids to after-school soccer games, but that's merely and excuse for aerobic exercise for their corn-syrup-fed fatties. The kids don't enjoy it either, nor do the coaches. No one goes to see them run around. It's cheap a sport. A peasant's sport just barely above cage-fighting in price. Every other country is just nuts about it to some degree.. except the US, where it's a glorified baby-sitter. Once kids grow up, no one plays it except those oddballs who also think Lacrosse is a big deal. You've been to a Lacrosse game recently? No? No one has. Ever.

In the US, the LGBT crowd seems to have embraced it a bit, because they want to have something validate themselves, but it's pathetic. Not that there's anything right with that. They tried to take over the love of the Saturn car company which promptly self-destructed itself in response (GM was jealous of their no-haggle, hassle-free methods and decent cars that ran forever so they axed them, suggesting they weren't making a profit enough). There's these few people out there that say they like soccer though, and even call it football sometimes, and pretend they're really into it and turn it on the TV and seem engrossed. They're lying to themselves, looking for something to believe in, something to have any kind of passion about, but it's forced, and fake. They know they don't like it, they don't like anything. They're looking for something to associate with, but they don't quite have a sense of self-awareness in their numb haze of tofu and soy-beans, hoping there'll be some excitement like on that trip to the UK they went on, oh everyone was so intense and excited.. why.. I ... I should be excited too! Then I'll belong! Then I'll fit-in too! One of us.. One of us.. Honestly, NFL watchers are similar, kids trying to emote to their dads who only showed any feelings during an NFL game and were only happy in life when their team won, then son can be happy too, and then for once, everything was all right. See how daddy smiles when I say I like his team? It's the only time he ever did. I.. I should like football so daddy will not resent his neighbor Mike Cronis has a Corvette and goes on long trips to tropical islands every year because he doesn't have kids! Daddy? DADDY!

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Ugh.
If you're one of those in the US that says they actually like soccer, stop it. You're not fooling anyone, fatty. Knock it off. Stop talking about it at work. Stop changing the channel at work from Family Guy to FIFA bull-crap, "Oh, look! It's Côte d'Ivoire against Japan!" Oh, wait, why doesn't Japan give a sh*t? Oh, wait. Why is no one in this room giving a sh*t? Oh, wait.. who am I? I like soccer, right? I.. I'm a person, right? I.. I like things.. I .. might like vanilla.. sometimes... .. Like meeeeeeee!!!"

Some soccer lovers in the US: