Blog of Awesome: Blessed Carlo Acutis: Patron Saint of the Internet (select)

Looks like we got us a Saint in our midst, pardners!

Seems there may be a new Patron Saint of the Internet, laaaadies, and not a moment too soon! A young (though extra-dead) boy by the name of Carlo Acutis is on his way to being canonized in the Catholic Church. The required steps for this is that they have to perform one (no, two sir, two!) TWO miracles no earlier than five years after their death.

None other than Carlo Acutis, who died at the age of 15 but performed a miracle recently to an ailing boy in Brazil. How does this work you may ask? Let me go on..

Father Guido Sarducci considers the implications.

There's more to it (sans religious politics that might waive a few rules from time to time)..

Now kiss.. Politics? Potato, Pottattoe, let's call the whole thing off.

The individual has to have led a "virtuous life" by the Church's standard, then be dead (that's the tricky bit). This makes you "Servant of God" status.

Casey Anthony was found not-guilty so therefore led a virtuous life.. fact. Here, we see her cleaning a public restroom and inspecting the quality for COVID-19 safety. Oh, that Casey!

After this, the Church has to determine that you were really cool by Catholic rules, then you can make "Venerable" status.

Ming the Merciless is delighted your loyalty is without measure, and demands you throw yourself on your sword.

Then, you have to have someone pray to you after you're dead, usually with some item of yours clutched in-hand. This is.. awkward, since a lot of people have allegedly died so far. I mean, you could pray to caveman "Unga Bunga" and clutch his 4000 year old femur (say you're an archaeologist as owning human remains is a bit illegal) and you have a tummy ache and then suddenly it goes away, then this is the path to Sainthood for Mr. Bunga.

I mean, sure, yeah, I'm a Caveman Saint. I was a Catholic before zero, sure! Here's a TUMMS. Take two, they're small.

Now, sweet Carlo only has "performed" one, so he is in pre-Saint, "Blessed" status (aka beautification).

"Acutis’ beatification was first announced in June, after the teen was said to have conducted his first miracle in February. According to Pope Francis, a seven-year-old boy in Brazil was healed of his rare pancreatic disorder after praying to Acutis and coming into contact with one of his t-shirts. " [1]

So, pretty much the whole story is a kid in Brazil with Pancreatic issues prayed to Carlo (who died in 2006 at age 15) for some reason and his pancreatic issue went away. This got to the Pope and moved quickly from "Servant of God" to "Venerable" to "Blessed" within a short few minutes of research. One "miracle" down..

Here we have a tattoo of Tim Tebow kneeling somewhere off of Hwy 67 near Divide, CO. He had thrown the ball "over those mountains" as Uncle Rico suggested.

So.. now someone else has to pray to Carlo for something such that a "miracle" can happen again. Nothing here miracle-wise is very specific. It doesn't have to be the same issue or even Internet-related. Carlo was known for making a website once, so that's his patron-Saint moniker. You could pray to Carlo for a rain of Snickers bars to fall on a very hungry Ethiopia for 40 days and if that happened, that would be an acceptable miracle. Added bonus if Toto's, Africa (1982) also plays at a comfortable volume throughout the country (though if you stepped out over the border to Somalia the music and Snickers would, of course, suddenly stop at a sharp line in this case, for obvious pirate-y reasons). Unfortunately, Carlo would not be the patron Saint of any of those things though, just Internet, which, I though was Al Gore, but I'm ahead of myself..

Actual border of Ethiopia and Somalia guarded by a rope, pre-Snickers miracle 2021.
In the background, a Bib-Gourmand restaurant beacons foreign delights with tantalizing orange awnings in a rustic setting. Tonight's menu? Snickers Fricassee ala Chef Nebiyou con frit. Tomorrow's? Dust with a side of AIDS.

Carlo had made a web site once about miracles when he was 11 while living in Italy (note* Italy named itself after delicious American Italian food years ago.. fact.) This was very groovy to the Catholic Church. Pretty much a partial list of miracles and Saints. Understandably, there are a lot of Patron Saints of things in the Catholic Church; some say more than ten thousand of which the entire list is not kept. This means a minimum of more than 20 thousand miracles have been performed by praying to dead people that were just regular folks. Two miracles are required as a minimum to be a Catholic Saint. Um... I have a question about the Old Testament, 1st Commandment here but.. er.. we move on. (more on this later)..

Pizza is 'Murican.

Now here comes the troubling bit.. I mean, what if someone prays again to Carlo and is holding his old Reebok sneaker sans 2005-2006 and has pancreatic cancer and then is also cured.. er.. So would he become the Patron Saint of Pancreatic Cancer Curing instead of the Internet? Maybe? Also, would these clothing relics become Holy Relics and kept in a crypt or the Holy Archives in the Catacombs? Nope. Certainly a Reliquary Holy Shrine would have to be constructed, perhaps in Carlo's case, in Italy (home of American Italian food and Ornella Muti)(actually, maybe a Holy Shrine could be made at Ornella Muti's house if they wanted to) "Don't kill him fazzah, I vwant heem." "Really Aura, your appetites are too dangerous l refuuuuuze." What would Prince Barin say?

Ornella Muti, Itallian actress from Flash Gordon 1980, hides the secret door to the Holy Relics Shrine in her bedroom. This is her whatevah-whatevah everyday outfit. She likes pasta.

Well, Carlo is on his way, regardless. Catholic politics will undoubtedly push him in that direction as Internet Saint, though, of course, to the annoyed ghost-like dismay of St. Isidore of Seville, the current Patron Saint of the Internet..

Isidore "Izzy" is not pleased here in this selfie from 621 AD when a time traveler gave him the news. His quote about Carlo, "Seriously? I mean, I became an Arch Bishop and a member of the Fourth Council. You know how hard that is? What I had to go through? What'd this kid do? Make a one-page website in an afternoon?"

We can only expect that within 60 days, the Catholic Church will discover another miracle (hopefully something Internet-y) that will solidify his ascension from Blessed to Saint and we can get on with the events and revelry and what-not.

Here, several Cardinals with the painting of the potential white backpack wearing Carlo. Notice no frontal images of the Cardinals looking at Carlo, for obvious reasons. I mean, if he was gonna dress up that way, I mean, what was he expecting?

Now what gets me is that, well, the whole Saints thing, all ten thousand plus of them. The entire list doesn't really exist in its entirety, and some effort has been brought-on to scour the catacombs of the Vatican to try to remedy this. Hippitus Hoppitus deus dominae. I mean not too many in 2020 are wearing medallions of St. Lidwina, the patron Saint of Ice Skating. or St. Zita, the patron Saint of Waiters (who can also find lost keys.. and I'm not making this up). The whole thing feels like demigods of Roman (and other) times, such as Cardae, the Roman god of door hinges, Saehrimnir, The Norse Pig Of Eternal Bacon, Xochipilli, The Aztec God Of Gay Prostitutes, or Matshishkapeu,The Innu Spirit Of Farts (again, I'm not making this up). I'm certain St. Izzy is a bit peeved since he cornered the market on Internet stuff, and now this young whipper-snapper is taking over his turf! Luckily, St. Izzy's got other semi-official titles under his belt as well, other than the Internet, such as patron Saint of students, computers, etc. So he's got a fallback, and honestly, Izzy could use a break lately, if you think about it.. if you really think about it.

So, what's interesting here is the progress to becoming a Saint.. I mean, as long as you were "pretty nice a dude (or gal)" and someone says they pray to you (usually after you die) and then boom-pow, a miracle happens? Well then, sir! You are Blessed! One more time? You sir, are a Saint! (Sorry Roger Moore).

I mean, feel free to pray to me after I die (be sure to mention this to the current Pope, btw) and if things come true, well, I lived a pretty okay life and was officially a Catholic, performing most of the sacraments so far (not the marriage or death ones yet, at least by a priest officially, and keep that feather away from my feet!)[Note: this last reference on Last Rites Communion is probably only known to theologians, so I'll explain that once you're done dying, the Priest tickles the foot with a feather, but this manner is highly archaic and antiquated and only a big-brain Cathaholic would get the reference]. I'll try my best to bingo your issue if I can muster it with potential ghost-magic, though please strongly consider some terrestrial, non-corporeal efforts as well beforehand!

The funeral is about to begin... SIR!

Why not give someone a try? Someone maybe deserving and nice? Anyone? We can make a Saint ourselves! What's my recommendation? I strongly feel that John Candy has been a "decent, all-around guy". Why can't John Candy be the patron Saint of Cheeseburgers? I mean, he's dead? Check. He was a nice guy? Check. Was he Roman Catholic? (Googling now..) CHECK! That's a BINGO!

Hi, I'm all-around dead, Catholic, nice-guy, John Candy.

So all we have to do is need Cheeseburgers, pray to John Candy, someone suddenly give us a Cheeseburger out of nowhere, rinse, repeat n' tell-a-Pope.

Huh? Whaddaya think?!

Now John Candy can be the patron Saint of Cheeseburgers! St. Candy! You'd think he might be.. um.. patron Saint of mud-wrestling, maple-syrup, or more obviously, candy itself, but no; you'd be wrong.