Tuesday, July 19, 2016

The Magnificent Seven: The Motion Picture 2016

Cast of The Magnificent Seven (2016)

 Sigh.  Sure aren't enough REEEEEEBOOTS this year!  GB must be thrilled!  Movie trailers over the last few years have insisted on a subwoofer-dive (also known as a bass drop) effect.  You can hear it here:

  It's supposed to create a sort of focusing effect that draws attention in some way, perhaps slowing-down the action in a scene, adding dread, etc.  I'm pretty sure it was first used in Star Wars (1977) when Obi Wan was shutting down the Death Star's tractor-beam (which had script written in its own Empire language-base, later changed to English for the ruined, "Special" editions).  You can CLICK THIS LINK to see the original theatrical shut-down sequence (having a subwoofer helps).  In Star Wars, the effect was put to good use.  It's pretty easy to duplicate on a computer, just a (for x=500 to 1; play sound (x) Hz; next) kind of a thing (syntax based on whatever your flavor-language-of-the-month is).  In Star Wars it was likely done using an analog tone-generator and a knob, manually, but this can also be accomplished with a Theremin.  Whatev's.

Hi, yes.. I play backup rhythm Theremin in the band Gay Robot, have you heard of us?  No?  Well pooie.

  Now you'll hear this subwoofer-dive bass-drop in a lot of movie trailers, usually inappropriately so.  I remember the worst such case was in the trailer for the film, Disney's The Lone Ranger (2013) at the 2:17 mark when a train-piece flies through the sky.  What is that, a wrench?  Something like that...

Really?  So a train piece makes an electronic, sub-woofer sound as it's thrown?  Let's try it.


Magnificent Seven Gays wins a Tony
Nope.  The movie bombed terribly because it was very unrealistic.  I find a film that requires me to NOT have to have a suspension of disbelief usually is very good, though some boring dramas are painful to watch as they're very dry so that formula is not the best one to make a good movie.  There is a need for a bit more to keep my interest, but attention-to-little-details, (such as the minutia in Ridley Scott's Alien (1979)) make for a good film, as well as actor-interaction (which makes Walking Dead and Captain America: Civil War ultimately fail for me, personally because they all act like 13 year-old kids).  By comparison, in Alien, though not "perfect", the actors are at-odds over contractor fees, quarantine concerns, power-struggles very subtle over finishing coffee.. very real stuff.  Background items in Alien such as checklist yellow-stickies as temporary procedures is spot-on with current space-operations today.  Little details like catalogue cut-outs taped to personal sleeping quarters of the latest new car when they get back, etc. are very distant and subtle, and it makes for a realistic ambiance.  Even the beer in the film was Coloradan with Weyland/Yuntai logos on it (the buyers for the ore and also Ash's over-riding agency that makes him attempt to collect an alien) made just for a few scenes!  It's little stuff like that which make a film great.

Alien (1979) beer in the background actually their corporate logo!

  People and clothes being dirty when it's, well, dirty outside makes sense.  The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly (1967) is a dirty Western because showers were rare and hard to come-by and often too expensive over a cigar anyway, as well as barbers and shaving.  John (Marion) Wayne film-lovers like that King Arthurian Legend Western dimestore style where the secondary hero is shot, turns on his stiff-bodied heel in a pirouette, still blood-trickle out of the corner of the mouth, lilly held against the chest, falls, and tells John, "Get 'em for me, Chief!" then tilts-head and dies quietly, eyes closed.  Stupid.  It's my choice though.  It's what I like.  Not the John Wayne, Disney Western stuff, I like the grittier, rawer, more realistic stuff.  Just me.  I've lived a LOT of life.  I've done a LOT of things; been in the dirt; been in war twice (not in a trench, mind-you).  I've seen C-beams glitter off the shoulder of Orion, etc.  
Promo-poster for the new Magnificent Seven 2016

  I prefer the real stuff. (careful on that click)..;p  There's very little of that now-a-days.  Keep in-mind that if it's a fantasy/sci-fi piece, if it keeps with the physics-defying mythology, I'm okay with that too.  Hercules is very strong, Superman can indeed fly, Ninjas can teleport with a smoke-bomb, lasers make sounds (pew-pew), sure.  Okay.  It's accepted as mythological okay-ness, and my suspension of disbelief is not taxed.

Simple truths, Tuco.. simple truths.

This year (like 1996), there are no very good movies yet, and only a handful of mediocre films, which is concerning to the cinemaphile such as myself.  Zootopia was a kid's flick, but okay if you're into that.  I just watched Deadpool (a character I despise) and didn't like it, though I give 1/2 star for a poorly-rendered X-Men's Colossus who stayed in-character.  Wade is a discount, sociopathic Spiderman with a penchant for vulgarity who I don't care about his survival because he's quasi-immortal and therefore very boring like Marvel's Beyonder.  Is anyone worried that Wade is going to die?  Nope.  Writers had to create tension by adding a mortal girlfriend.  Yawn.  Deadpool is a jerk who's immortal with a bad, sleepy storyline that makes me care less about him more than ever.  Got great reviews though.

Deadpool disagrees with me.  UN-sucks?

  I consider myself a Modernist; that is, awesome comes from hard-work.  Today's society is the opposite, Post-Modernism, which indicates that everything is equally perfect as-is, which means nothing really is truly great and like Ourbus it eats its own tail.  Effort is not required in post-modernism, you just get.. well, lucky.  It almost has an early Arabic feel to that, such as in the earliest tales of 1001 Arabian Nights which I recommend reading when you're over 30 years old.  The recent Real Car Reviews nicely touches on that during a review of the PT Cruiser.  Ultimately, this lazy Generation Zero and the forthcoming Snowflake Generation want to be special without being special, and Deadpool is circumstantially omnipotent and simultaneously narcissistic-sociopathic.  Definitely the "rap music" generation gets this guy, success = no-work + easy-crime.  Whereas a Modernist thinks, success = suffer + work over time.  It's my opinion the post-modernist will fail, surviving only on liberal-minded socialism to trickle-feed the unlucky (99% of every lazy person) and the Nation will fall.  Marijuana helps this along nicely and feeds into that design, "The rich will share their wealth with my lazy, high ass so I can do nothing!"  The rich MUST be FORCED to do so.  The Modernists who WORKED MUST pay-up!  Clash of psychologies there.

WHAT'S your problem with society again and HOW do you not fit-in with everyone else, Mike?

 So there's a remake of one of the most world-renowned films of all-time, The Magnificent Seven.  This film was made in 1960 and is considered one of the best Westerns ever made.  Arguably I don't think so as some of the acting is hammy at-times.  Watch the 1960 trailer on YouTube if you want.  It's not terrible, and the overall theme is very good.  

Magnificent Seven on-location 1960.

  This movie is considered sacred-ground, that is, it's part of the Criterion Collection I mentioned earlier as being culturally significant, such as is with Lawrence of Arabia or Star Wars (the first one, sorry Millennials [not]) and, apparently Ghostbusters The Motion Picture 2016.  Such films in society are perfect and cannot be improved-upon.  Recently, such movie-hacks such as JJ Abrams have tried to sneak-in their versions of Star Trek II and Gone in 60 Seconds (the original 1974 is brilliant aside from non-actors attempting to act.. I recommend watching it, and also the 60-second VITAL introduction by the director's wife now on BluRay).

Reboots are the BEST MOVIES EV-VAR!

  Indeed, it was based-on the 1954 film Seven Samurai by Akira Kurosawa as an "Americanized" (aka worsened.. though sometimes bettered) version.  So, what would I have changed?  Better acting and a slower-pace.  I wouldn't mind the director of Hell on Wheels, particularly the saloon gunfight-scene in the most recent episode puts Sergio Leone to shame (or honors him, whichever) to re-direct The Magnificent Seven 2016.  Not happening.  Might as well have been Michael Bay.  Check out the trailer..  as you do, I want to point-out that any subwoofer-dive bass-drop gets one-star lost from the overall score.  Maximum score can be 5 stars.  Each bass-drop removes a full star.  Any non-period music also removes a full-star (sorry Tarantino).

What's more insulting is the music, which is a remake of House of the Rising Sun by a band called, "Heavy Young Heathens" borrowed insultingly by "The Animals" (1964) which a song about a whore-house in New Orleans.  The Magnificent Seven is originally about a group of hired gunmen to protect a village in Mexico.  This is stupid.  There's plenty of Mexican songs to choose from that would be appropriate, or heck, they could MAKE one, but this generation is all about stealing, not working.  Modernism v. Post-Modernism.  

What's-a-matter, Mikey?  Don't you like big, thick Westerns?   I got a hint, Mikey, I ain't gotta gun per-se.

  Movie machines rob and scavenge music hoping no one notices.  Sorry, I do, and it's inappropriate and rude. Sure, the composer's gonna get a big cut of $900,000 but James Horner or John Williams in your arsenal means it's going to be memorable and noteworthy and take you up 2 stars JUST FOR THE MUSIC instead of a garage band attempting Tom Sawyer by Rush for $3.50 and street-cred.  No, you won't get lucky, and neither will that garage band.

So, SEVERAL subwoofer-dives, SEVERAL modern-music licks to get the distracted-generation to look away from their iBricks, and cut-scenes, and jump-cuts, and bang-bang!  Oh, and look, a black-guy because we're modern and black-lives-matter!  Not to say that in 1860 he'd be taken into slavery in Mexico, or Texas, or wherever, and the prejudice at the time would make him ineloquent and speak pidgen-talk like Jim from Huckleberry Finn.  It would be an odd curiosity he'd have an IQ over 70 and 99.9% couldn't read or be allowed a fire-arm or be allowed to ride a horse.  Yep.  He'd be mocked as a curio and attacked EVERYWHERE in the entire world except parts of Africa (where he'd just be attacked by warring tribesmen, and THEN enslaved).  Sure.  Black cowboy.  Okay, fine.  Impossible, but whatever.  Maybe in 1910 or 1920, but NOT 1860.  Impossabaruuuuu!


I'm not watching this junk.  Bad actors, bad acting, bad music, pew-pew.  Dumb, and it's no Criterion Edition Ghostbusters The Motion Picture 2016 5 STAR God-ness.

Ghostbusters 2016 reaction of all of America except me.

Chippy times...

Well Mike, what about an all-cowgirl cast of The Magnificent Seven?

and for the ladies..

I'm your cowboy.

No?  Okay how about this one...
I'll just lie here on this fallen tree limb and sort of wait with my lemon-Fruit-Stripe-gum-belt melts.


Monday, July 18, 2016

Sony Pays for Positive Ghostbuster Reviews


  So the second worst movie of all-time-and-space just came out a bit ago,  Ghostbusters 2016: The Motion Picture.  The original had a very good chemistry and if you haven't seen it it's culturally significant enough to be in the Criterion Collection, which is a big deal.

Ghostbusters Criterion Collection Edition, making the film officially culturally significant for mankind.

  The new version has a female lead-role cast and is pretty terrible.  Jokes fall flat, the special-effects are television-worthy and low-budget, and the characters are not believable and also insultingly stereotypical.  I'm actually surprised the Black Lives Matter gang doesn't attack movie-go'ers because of Leslie Jone's vulgar portrayal of the black-community, making Madea 9: Tough Love starring Tyler Perry seem like Malcom: X.  It's painfully insulting to the point of making even me angry.  She might as well have worn black-face and announced "Mammy!" at every scene.  Yes, "Mammy!"  Now you say it right now.  Mammy!  There, you did it.  See?

Leslie Jones as Aunt Jemima in Ghostbusters 2016, honoring the struggle of ebony women everywhere
Junior love dem pan-cakes!  MAMMY!

  If you've seen the Clone Wars film that came out in the theaters in 2008 when the female lead role is asked, "You're a Jedi?" and she announces, "I'm a girl, you got a problem with that?  Hmph!"  Pout.. aaaaand.. end scene!  That's a wrap!  Ugh.  Stop.  Just stop. 

This was Clone Wars in the theater.  I saw it.  God help me.

  Though the movie is bombing hard in the theaters and will not even break-even, Rotten Tomatoes as well as the dubious Washington Post are heralding this film as a 5-star winner.  Be advised that other 5-star films by RT are, Star Wars, Seven Samurai, Godfather, Cassablanca, Gone with the Wind, Shawshank Redemption, Lord of the Rings, Blade Runner, 12 Angry Men (1957), Goodfellas, Chinatown, Enter the Dragon, The Thing (1982), Silence of the Lambs, The Sound of Music, Rear Window, Rocky, Once Upon a Time in the West, Ben Hur, and Lawrence of Arabia.  Oh, and apparently Ghostbusters 2016.  Yeah....  this new movie is 5 stars?  Best of all time?  So good it deserves to be saved and ^*&^ing maintained in an indestructible vault such that, in case all of mankind doth perish, all those movies listed above, along with, and rightly-so, Ghostbusters 2016 should be preserved for all time, lest we not walk silently into the ever night, let our souls be saved in art and through our best works of our existence to stand the test of Time for all eternity, let our voices be heard as a once and great species in the Universe!  God help us...

The new Ghostbusters 2016 film is more noble and awe-inspiring than this, apparently to the Washington Post

  The film deserves 1/2 star.  Go and create a small account on Rotten Tomatoes right now and rate is properly as 1/2 star.  My only guess is that Sony Pictures paid hundreds of people to give it a 5-star review, and The Washington Post which is now forever invalid to me as a money-grabbing, dishonest and dead rag of Satanic lies.  Sony spiked the punch in the same way Putin put his men in positions of law and power in the Ukraine 5 years prior to invading it to gunk-up the works and make the Ukrainian defence fail.

I've really put you through a lot, haven't I? Well, that's brothers for you: they always know which buttons to press. 

  It's not Rotten Tomatoes' fault, really.  It's just a database.  It can't scan for paid, immoral reviewers, though you'll notice that these reviewers ONLY HAVE ONE REVIEW!.. Yes, and that review is Ghostbusters 2016!  The movie was SOOOOOOOO good, sooooo amazing, that people RAN to their computers, logged-on and created accounts to review just THIS ONE film because it moved them so deeply on such an internal level, on a MOLECULAR level that they HAD to give this film 5 stars!  Oddly, a lot of these reviewers then deleted their accounts right after that one review as well.  So moved, they knew nothing would surpass such elegance, such grace, such pathos and perfection.  Right...

I have seen.. the greatest film ever made, in both past and future.. God's Light pales in comparison.  I have seen beyond God in Ghostbusters 2016, The Motion Picture.

  So.. watch it if you want.  I recommend stealing a copy than giving Sony your money, and when you rate it.  Rate it honestly.

Wonder Woman says, "Don't make me use my magic lasso on you!"

  Nice try, Sony, for trying to spike the punch-bowl with roofies.  Lies.  All lies.  Frack-you, Sony!

Annie Potts eat your heart-out.

..and for the ladies..
You like my stream?