Friday, June 14, 2013

Stinky Feet


  Some folks are into it; I'm not one of them.  I'm a huge fan of clean feet; well cared-for feet; healthy, normal feet; but I'm not a foot fetishist.  I could care less about them in-general in the same way most folks are indifferent about someone's nose.  Clean and not overly odd-looking?  Sure thing.  Normal.  Fine.

Piper Fawn aka Ariel.. for those interested... (not work safe...)
  The season dictates less clothes, and here in Colorado, there's a bit of eye-candy here and there.  It's nice to see the feminine gender wearing tighter shirts for the most part, and Colorado tends to have healthier people than other states, thanks to, in-part, by a good portion being military whom dictates fitness, mandatory or otherwise.  There are a few "tubs-of-goo" out there, however, particularly retired military who don't give-a-shot anymore, though in my opinion they've somewhat "earned the right" to become a walking candy-bar trash-compactor for their service, fine.  Still, I can't quite bring myself to look like a shar pei.

Get 'er DONE!  Smothered n' covered, baby!
  What concerns me most in this state, however, is a throw-over mostly from California, as there's a ton of transplants from there to here, mostly migrating to Boulder, and that's "sandals".  I dislike sandals, those and open-toed shoes, not because I don't sport them nicely, but that they're incredibly lazy, and, as my topic will amplify, most people have hideous, unhealthy feet, and we're forced to view them in all their diseased ugly.

  I'm not sure why people with clump-feet, dry, broken-looking, cankled, death-feet think it's a good idea to show these off.  It reminds me of the half-shirts worn by girls in the mid-'90s who were as fat as f*ck, gut "muffin-topping" out the way-too-tight pants who's waistline was shortened to be a "hip hugger" variety, emphasizing more tummy and lower back skin-meat.  It was not flattering to 90% of the wearers unless they were a Yoga or Aerobics instructor.  Mostly, it was just shameful and sad.  I see this in local footwear.
  Today at Lowe's, I saw a woman with alternating lengthened toes.  She was violently out-of-shape, back-fat in rolls.  To add to the spectacle, her open-toed sandals featured toes reminiscent of Baba-Yaga's home, gnarled like an ancient oak in a Scottish bog, clawing the ground for peat-moss and nutritional, decaying mud.  It was impossible to miss from space.  She was fat, and her feet were suffering from the fat-ness of her fat fat.  Her ankles overlapped her feet by a few inches and her heels, perfectly shown-off, were white and caked with dry skin, crushing under her weight.  She had a scar on one of her ankles, probably to place titanium strut-support internally.  The Toes.  Oh Lord Sweet Jesus.  Each toenail belayed a tale of its own.  Each had it's own story.  Some were shaped like a fine sail from a schooner made of dogshit.  Some were squared with unknown disease dirt crudded deeply under the nail for later safe-keeping.  One turned a boy to stone when he glanced at it, and Lowe's employees put him in the garden area to sell as a lawn ornament.

  This is not uncommon.  I see a lot of fracked-up feet, and NO ONE wants to see that.  You have ugly feet, most likely.  Do you want to see Ron Jeremy walking around with a tapeworm hanging 3 feet out his arse?  No?  Then knock it off!  It's the same amount of vulgar, and you're a freak that should hide in basements where "maw" can throw meat down at'chya, hidden from the townsfolk.
  You're not at the beach, folks!  My rule is that if there's sand, you can wear SANDals.  If there's no sand, forget it.  Sand plus sandals makes sense.  Now, there's a slight caveat that if you're at an enclosed pool-party then it's okay during the time you're at the pool area, then you must put on shoes once you're done.  Some pool-parties have barbecue and such with beach chairs, so it's sort of a beach illusion so it's okay.  Any kind of island/beach theme party thing going on allows sandal-wear to complete the beach-party ensemble, otherwise, wear something else.

    Now if you insist on defying me, and run the risk of persecution, then I give you this last warning, unless your feet are model-quality, I will hunt you down and jeer, and lead others into a jeer-session.  Your being in-numbers will not help.  I shall, indeed, jeer, and create a jeer-mob against your fugly feet of death.  If you have to go to a place to have your feet "scraped" from time to time, it's a good indicator you should never show society your feet, lest you be chased out of town by the villagers while you scream, "I am not an animal, I am a human being!" 
  I want you all to have massive self-consciousness against your ugly, nasty, gnarly feet.   It's NOT okay to show them off.  It's gross.  You're gross.   Hide them from God, lest he smite you in embarrassment of creating such a freak!  God is ashamed of your feet more-so than the platypus!  BEGONE!  I rebuke thee!  Idiots.  You're ugly.  Stupid.  Fag.

  Unless you're Piper Fawn.  Then it's okay.

Piper Fawn's feet.. acceptable.  She's okay, not you.   (note* hard to get a rated-G image)... ahem..

Interstellar Overdrive from the album Piper at the Gates of Dawn

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