Sunday, September 29, 2013

Django Unchained (a review)

  Sometimes I have to try and remember most folks are untraveled, unintelligent, or devoid of cinema background.  When a genre of a movie comes out, such as a sci-fi or a western, I have to remember that there are a few youngsters out there that either don't remember the originals or the genres, or indeed have never even seen a genre of this type as it's their first time.  Cinematic and historical virgins.  I was one once when I was 6.  This is the case for those who strongly recommended Django Unchained by Tarantino.

  Tarantino is the equivalent of a Puff Daddy circa the Godzilla (1998) soundtrack.  He gets permission to steal other people's stuff from the 1970's, then repackages it badly by wrapping used Christmas paper over it hastily and without grace, like a retarded kid trying to remember how mommy and daddy did it years ago, then using a lot of scotch-tape in the form of silly violence and trying to make argumentative conflict by reciting his own internal struggles with himself in the form of drama.  He endlessly fails on all levels with each movie he's done, and it's sad.  He's like a desperate, impatient 14-year-old teen trying to play cowboys and Indians from a movie his parents wouldn't let him see that he snuck glances at through his almost-closed bedroom door, then the next morning ran outside to try to lampoon it with his stupid friends without understanding 99% of it.  

  Now some get it right, as in the case of Machete or Hobo with a Shotgun.  THIS is correct.  Tarantino wishes he could attempt this.

  Tarantino has tried time and time again to recapture that '70s shtick but never succeeds.  I honestly believe though he loves the genre he always copies (such as Bruce Lee vs. The Ninja as Kill Bill which he copied frame-for-frame).  His finished work has holes and he tries to patch that up with stolen music from another time.  Why does he never have his own films scored originally instead of stealing the entire soundtrack from other '70s movies?!  Cheap!  Maybe one in-homage but ALL OF IT?  Why, loser?

  Honestly, I've never seen a worse western.  All of the songs used were either from other westerns with the exception of a classic rock song by Jim Croce, I Got a Name and a few rap songs.  Nothing was original.  Why couldn't he have one original good song?

  Django Unchained has (thankfully) absolutely nothing to do with either the Django series or anything Django.  The song selection, though incredibly stolen from such westerns as Two Mules for Sister Sara and totally dissing Ennio Morricone from the previous movie Inglorious Bastards which he also ripped-off from the original.  Ennio was going to do the soundtrack for IG but QT was too impatient (as usual).  It'd be as if God wanted to give you all the superpowers you could ever dream of but you were too impatient for that so instead you just bought a Superman cape from Walmart.  Idiot.  Ennio = Pure, Immediate Gold.  Fool!

What a good Spaghetti Western soundtrack should be... imagery and all.

 Django Unchained makes up it's own mind that it's its own movie and not of the series.  It's annoying in the same way if a new movie came out that was a sci-fi called "Darth Vader against the Jedi" and then there's a Hello Kitty playing Vader voiced by a fag.   Still, I can choke it down.. barely.  Acting was flat.  Violence was over-done and silly and disobeyed every law of physics.  Storyline was lame and implausible.  Samuel Jackson should have got a Golden Raspberry award for worst supporting actor of all time.  Accents came and went throughout.  Historical inaccuracies were infinite.

  Now I suspect he wanted to make a spaghetti western in the same vein as Sergio Leone, though it's quite possible this is not the case.  I also suspect he used the name Django to spark interest and he even had Franco Nero in it who seemed a bit sad because he too knew how it sucked.  The film is missing all of the soul of a spaghetti western, like pasta with no sauce.  Vacant of spirit, the movie plods at 2 hours 45 minutes painfully.  It's barely watchable as characters moose their lines.

  Here's a list of the inconsistencies that bothered me, plus a few more I found later:

During the shooting in Candyland, right before Django bursts a man's head, a man next to Django who he uses as a shield has his chest burst. The blood pack is very noticeable.
Dr Schultz pays with 12 $1000 bills, but $1000 bills were not created until 1861, after the time period of this movie.
The film is based in 1858 and proceeds through the winter into the spring of 1859. At the end of the movie Django blows up Candyland using dynamite. Dynamite was not invented by Alfred Nobel until 1864 and then patented in 1867.
Dr. Schultz says the word "Malarkey" in casual conversation in 1858, the word didn't come into use until 1929.
 Civil War actually starts three years later.
During the "skull monologue", Calvin Candy mentions "genes". The word was coined after 1905 from the work of Danish scientist Wilhelm Ludvig Johannsen. Genetics were born with Mendel's work, which was published in 1866 and did not become widely known in the scientific community until decades later.
During the first shootout scene inside Candyland, when Django rolls off Leonide Moguy (Candy's Lawyer) he rolls to the right of the shot, away from the room he had just come from. However in the next scene when the door is kicked in we see Django moving and shooting from the opposite side of the room, towards the side he should already be.
The harpist is playing "Fur Elise", which though written in 1810, was not published until 1865.
In the scene where Schultz shoots the sheriff, as he walks away he has blood on his hand and his jacket. The blood is gone from both in the next shot and from then on.
 When Calvin dies he pushes the globe and makes it spin very slowly, almost coming to a stop when he falls down. When the angle changes, the globe is spinning really fast.
The amount of beer in the glass during the first beer scene in the movie changes between shots. It is half full, then after a while it is almost full again.
The "Cleopatra Club", where Django, Schultz and Monsieur Candy meet for the first time, uses an Egyptian sculpture replica as a trademark, which resembles the famous Nefertiti bust; this was only discovered in December 1912, by a German archaeologist.
In the scene where Django shoots Smitty Bacall, the plough that he is using can be seen on the far left of the field and moving at a slow pace. But when Dr Schultz puts his wanted poster away, the plough is suddenly on the far right of the field having not had enough time to have turned round and moved that far.
The check written by Sam Jackson says May 2, 1858. At this point in the movie, it should be 1859.
When Django and Dr. Schultz ride into Daughtrey, Texas. In the town there is a kid with some goats. There are goats behind and in front of Django and Dr. Schultz. When they change angles all the goats are in front, with no goats behind them.
The film is based in 1858 and proceeds through spring 1859. In the scene where Django frees himself from the slavers, one of the three men is wearing a yellow confederate cavalry kepi. The confederate uniforms were only created after the civil war started in 1861.
When Django is on the hill with Schultz aiming at the farmer, rocks appear in front of him in the angles shot from behind, but disappear in the front shots.
The straw hat worn by one of the LeQuint Dickey Mining Co. employees (played by Michael Parks) is too modern, as it has eyelet air holes and a plastic cord lock on the chin cord.
When Calvin Candie talks to Dr Schultz about his "first, second, third, fourth & fifth concern", his sister Lara puts her glass down on the table, only to have it in her hand again immediately afterwards.
When Django shoots the snowman, the damage to it appears/disappears/increases/decreases between shots.
When Calvin is explaining stuff about the skull, Schultz's glass swaps from empty to filled, between shots.
During the skull monologue, Schultz's hair swaps from messy to brushed between shots.
After first arriving at Candyland, Calvin Candy is explaining to Steven who Django is and that they will be staying in the big house. During this scene, cuts between Calvin and Steven show Calvin's legs alternating between crossed in one angle and uncrossed in the other angle, multiple times.
Ace Speck's hat changes positions while he lies dead and Django and Schultz move around the place.
One of the men taking Django to the mines has a gray cap on his head. This army cap didn't exist at that time. It was introduced in the Civil War years later.
In Daughrety, Texas when Schultz and Django are having a conversation in the bar the amount of beer in Schultz's glass changes.
Throughout the film, Dr. Schulz and Django use a Remington Double Derringer. The double barreled Derringer wasn't introduced until 1866.
When Ellis Brittle lays dead on the cotton field, a blood pack visibly protrudes from his chest.
When the maids introduce Brunhilda to Schultz, she is either looking at him or sideways, depending on the angle.
When Stephen brings Broomhilde to Candy to discuss her price, Stephen is grabbing the left side of her neck in the wide shots, and the right side in the close-ups. This changes back and forth.
Django's first shot at the snowman that puts a hole in the bottle/can. His gun is pointed way too high when he shoots it to hit the target.
When Django takes cover by the hallway, several guys shoots at him from the doorway, making the wall behind him riddled with holes. The next shot, no holes. These holes disappears and reappears several times.
When Schultz and Django first camp, Schultz is seen putting on pants and suspenders. In the next shot he doesn't have the suspenders on, but we see him hiking them up as if for the first time.
When one of the Speck Bros. lays injured on the floor, the lamp on the floor is laying right net to the hat, or several centimeters away, depending on the angle.
When Schultz meets the Speck Bros. visible breath comes out of the slaves' mouths due to the cold, but not from Schultz or the brothers'.
When Django kills big John Brittle, right when he smashes his face on the floor, a cushion pops-up. Most probably hidden among the leaves to soften the fall.
When Django gives himself up, the body that he used as a human shield moves from the center of the door frame to the left of the door frame.
When Schulz and Django ride up to the first plantation they visit, the number of slaves milling about in the background varies with each shot.
When Django and Dr. King Schulz meet Spencer Bennett at the front of his house, there's a group of women and some men in the back near the gates. The amount of people changes between shots.
Django carries a Remington "New Model Army" revolver, as does Billy Crash, shown when he holds it to Hildi's temple. These weapons, although based on an 1858 patent, were not produced until 1860.
In the scene where Stephen is shocked that Django will be staying in the big house responding with "if you ain't got no problem burning the bed the sheets", you can see Calvin place his pipe in his left hand and start to point at Stephen with his right hand, saying "that is my problem, they are mine to burn" then his pipe is magically in his right hand again.
Before confronting Stephen, Django shoots Candy's sister. He is up high on the stairs with her on the first floor. He is far to her right. But when he shoots her, she flies straight backwards into the other room, and you can see where her dress was pulled by a rip line.
At the end of the movie, Django has a bundle of dynamite strapped to the front doorframe of Candy's house and uses it to blow up the place. The explosion caused by that bundle was way too large compared to the amount of dynamite used. It also shows the house exploding from the center out, distributing debris almost equally in all directions. But the dynamite was at the front door so most of it would have gone backwards.
  The KKK didn't exist until 7 years later.
  Australian straw hats didn't exist until 8 years later.
  "Sold American" phrase didn't exist until 40 years later.
  Mandingo fighting was only based on a film from the '70s.  This did not exist.
Okay, so Tarin-fail-o is not a historian by any means.  Fine.  Nor can he make a film without Ed Wood-like obvious failings.  There are websites out there that bring up hundreds of goofy mistakes.  Now if he did this all on purpose (perhaps a few were, maybe) then it's kinda cool in a cheap way, but I suspect his contractors for information as consultants were high as he was when he did it.  People think pot helps creativity but look how many mistakes?  Hope he never becomes a surgeon lest we all die of brain cancer.  Like everyone knows, I go to a movie not to NOT think but TO think!  Tarantino caters to the uninformed and unintelligent virgin movie-go'ers and tween cinematic beginners with no background in anything.
  What a piece of steaming shite.  Fail!  I'd rather watch Tyler Perry's anything.  Man, there's so many good westerns out there.  Please, viewers, watch every other spaghetti western out there first before you decide this is a good movie.  Actually, if you haven't seen any others, I have great news for you, all of them are better than this!  You're in for a treat!
Final grade:  F+


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