Wednesday, December 18, 2013

CGI is Frosting


  By now, most people have seen the trailer for the upcoming Spiderman 2 film, though really it should be Spiderman 5 (or 7 if you count the '70s films).  A lot of under-30 crowd-members seem to laud it's potential and action, but these people "liked" the new Star Trek franchise which made me sad and should have been renamed "Buck Rogers versus the Sinister Nazi Experiment" (think about it... think about it... no, seriously, think about it.)  I take these movies personally, because I'm all about them.  In my heart, they were made for me... then someone sh*ts Technicolor ridiculousness all over it, and it's ruined.

  Directors and producers these days often create exceptionally bad movies and then cover it up with a ton of current-grade CGI in the same way a horrendous baker might cover mistakes on a cake with more and more frosting.  Many movies these days are all-frosting.  When you remove this frosting-CGI, you're left with a rather bad cake.  Sometimes the frosting and cake go together harmoniously, as in the case of the film, X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) but a lot of nerds that had just learned about BitTorrent pre-downloaded a leaked copy with incomplete "frosting CGI" and there were some disgruntled snickers here and there, and many just didn't bother with the film which would have done a lot better in the box-office (it tripled its money which is still pretty good).  Case-in-point I heard of folks annoyed the "claws" of the character were either not there or there was green-screen scenes that didn't make sense here and there.  Well of course it's not going to make sense when you have a work-print!  Also, way-to-go figuring out BitTorrent 10 years after it's been around.  Pathetic fledgling hackers.  By 1998 I was done with mp3 files and players.  Ah, computers for the unthinking-class.  All praise Apple for that with the line I hear so much, "I don't want to understand it, I just want it to work."  And there's your problem.  Stupidity.  Enjoy your life with a name-tag on your shirt, oh, barista.  Derp.  All these kids taking college.. take a class that matters.

 Anyway, the film industry has determined that the height of acting should not exceed the level of pornographic actors such as Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge or any Xena, Warrior Princess episode.  Why?  Because they're gonna smear it all over with frosting!  Kids don't know!  The industry treats us like 8-year-old kids who's parents bought store-brand "cola" instead of Pepsi or Coke and we're not supposed to know the difference because we're kids and they saved 10 cents!  Really, then?  When I was 8, I so knew the difference.  I didn't give my parents much of a hard time about it though, and I eventually had my own money to buy what I liked over the years.  Today's kids are retarded.  Today's kids are so brainwashed to be afraid of health, "Don't eat fast food!  Don't smoke cigarettes!"  Uh huh.  So.. I knew guys that lived well into their 80s and 90s that ate fast-food their whole lives and I've known chain-smokers from age 8 who died in their late 70s and 80s.  You know why they eventually died?  Because docs told them to stop what they were doing, and the change killed them.  My grandmother drank a 2-liter of Coke Classic every day for 20 years.  The docs cut-out caffeine from her diet and she died a year later.  One could argue that she would have died 3 months later instead, that the docs gave her a lease on life for 9 months, but I doubt it seriously.  Kids are told to "eat healthy" and have miserable lives scrounging un-tasty twigs and cardboard and to "run" and it turns out those things kill people earlier-on.  Me, I'm not going to be a sheeple and do what I'm told.  It's done me well so far, I just hope Obamacare doesn't institutionalize the whole gambit and I'm forced to do what the docs say like the grandma at the end of Requiem for a Dream.  Be smart enough to research the information yourself, not just "trust" people all the time.  A lot of times, they're right.. A lot of times, they're wrong.  Egg yolks were considered the only healthy part of an egg in the 1980s, then whites in the 1970s, then yolks again in the 1960s.  I'm old enough to remember this.  Don't be a sheeple.

  Well guess what, Film Industry, I don't like it.  I remember when an explosion was an explosion!  It required demolition experts and it was quite an impressive spectacle and you cared for the hero to survive it because he wasn't "added-in later".  No, it was live and real.  The profession of the "Stunt Man" was a big deal.  Car chases were legit, such as in the film Bullitt.  Stuntmen risked their lives as portrayed in the film, Hooper.  Both fine films.  In the film, Sharkey's Machine, the world's highest free-fall was accomplished.  Jackie Chan is not hyper-praised for his suffering whereas Jet Li who fakes almost everything is.  It boggles the mind.  Apparently, this Generation Zero likes sh*t.. possibly because they're made of it?.. 

Actual stunt from Sharkey's Machine. You can see the pad at the bottom right.  Rope was cut after this scene.  220 feet.  No safety.

 When I watched Star Wars Episode 1,2,3 and Clone Wars in the theater, the later was a painful cinematic disappointment, I was not worried for any of the space-battles as they all looked like they were rendered on a PlayStation 2.  I had no concerns for the video-game-like battle scenes because I was divorced from concern, "Oh, it's just not real.  I'm not concerned at all.  Just a game."   I'm sure it cost a lot; probably way too much and George Lucas got suckered into paying it, case-in-point the embarrassing Jabba-the-Hutt in the digitally remade Star Wars Episode 4.  The freshness date of these inclusions or CGI experiments is very short.  Go back and watch The Matrix and it can't even hold-up to anything by today's standards.  It's a parody of itself, now.  Watch the remake of The Thing (1982) by John Carpenter, it's still awesome. The recent, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug film had a few CGI overkill moments as well.  Remember that barrel scene from the chapter, "Barrels Out of Bond"?  I do.  There were no orcs in the book.  No orcs.  No ORCS!  There was also not a chase.  The wood-elves weren't stupid and would have devastated the attempt.  In the story, they escaped quietly.  More excuse for CGI for the retards.  Spiderman 2 with Dr. Octopus was pretty bad when it came out, the physics were all wrong in some scenes, particularly with his capturing May Parker and climbing the building.  Ugh.  Now it's so painful you want to hunt it down like a Frankenstein's monster.

Decland Mulholland as "Jabba" in Star Wars. Oh, wow!  He looks so real!  I saw this version in Maine in 1979.

   A ray of hope: I was told by some insider information the new Star Wars franchise will focus almost entirely on models and non-CGI work.  This, to me, is amazing, and I bet it will do well despite JJ.Abrams getting his eye-burning lens-flare "technique" all over it.  Maybe someone will not let him do that and allow some actual meaningful dialog, less Alec Guinness come back from the dead and smack him on the back of his head.

  So when you watch a film, and there's a ton of CGI, and you LIKE it, remember, you're retarded.  Don't have kids, because they'll take up the handicapped parking spaces that you should be in.  CGI-tards.  Now go watch 12 Angry Men (1957) to redeem yourself as penance, the exact opposite of CGI, filmed intentionally in black-and-white with only one set.  Now that's acting.  Boo hoo?!  I don't like slow movies?  I like CGI and my cell-phone and instant gratification and Whole Foods?  Screw yourself, you stupid, non-contributing, cellphone sucking, media-sponge-tard.

Bye bye! ;D

Spiderman 2 (1977) better than Spiderman 2 (2004) and Spiderman 2 (2014)

Oh, and I got a haircut.

1 comment:

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