Sunday, December 8, 2013

Subway's, "Eat Fresh?"


The two Subway's fast-food sub-shops by my house are open 24-hours.  When I work mid-shifts, during the couple of off-days I stay awake during the night.  I like the night hours.  It's quiet, and the city generally sleeps here in Colorado.  The winter deep-freeze makes it surreal, and it's a good time to think, play guitar through my rig into high-quality headphones and compose, or to catch-up on several dozen seasons of a show's series.  By this method I just finished the most-popular Japanese anime, One Piece, all 625 episodes.  That's 313 hours of viewing-time.  I really like Usopp's bravery in a fake-character based on a '70s cartoon, SogeKing.  I'm a bit compulsive.

  Anyway, I digress.  Very few restaurants are open in the wee-hours here in Fountain, let alone Colorado Springs.  You could probably hit-up a Denny's or a McDonald's, and on the weekends, a voyage to the rather overrated King's Chef Diner is a possibility for a greasy-spoon feel, though lately over-lit and blaring unnecessary techno keeping me away at least.  Subway's seemed quick enough, the competing Jersey Mike's Subs across the parking lot arrogantly avoiding evening customers closing at 9pm is hit-or-miss, an east-coast style sub-shop homogenized for the masses tries its best and sometimes comes close.

  Subway's meats are almost all turkey-based.  There are a few outliners, the tuna is likely actually tuna, and the "cheese-steak" meat is something probably beef-ish gristle-fail, pre-cooked and microwaved to make a culinary Pearl Harbor.  There's some bold argument that the "Black Forest Ham" is actually "ham" though it is on none of their sandwiches except the "Black Forest Ham" sandwich.  The famous "BMT" (which stands for "bigger, meatier, tastier") has a turkey-based ham, lest they lose money on that precious, rare, actual ham.  The "BMT" should rename itself to "Turkey Sub".  Actually, all the other sandwiches should just say freakin' "Turkey Sub".  The "chicken breast" there is actually "mechanically separated chicken" aka "pink slime" so pretty much a McDonald's Chicken McNugget minus the batter, so quite dangerous to eat for the health-conscious as there's bits of feather and beak and talon in there too.. and eyeball...  Yep...  Treat!  (note* overuse of ellipses there for dramatic effect, read "dot... dot... dot...".  Oooo!  So, wait, is that "Dot [dot dot dot] Dot [dot dot dot] Dot [dot dot dot].. Oh, wait is that now...).

  I order the "Spicy Italian" for hope of taste served east-coast-style (by my reckoning) with oil and vinegar (the oil is canola with 10% olive to fool you), oregano (or sawdust with oregano oil flavouring) and a few scant veggies (lettuce, tomato, pickle, green-pepper) and provolone.  The provolone was so empty and soul-less, probably turkey-based and had no taste whatsoever.  Calories?  Sure.  Taste?  Hah! 

  I got this footlong home (no longer $5 despite the song) and toasted it myself quickly in my half-oven at 400 for 10 minutes, though using man-logic I could have toasted it for 1 minute at 4000 degrees [smirk, sorry Jay Leno, I stole your joke from 1992] and went to munching. 


  (Ugh deserved its own paragraph).  All I tasted was cardboard.  I got 1/3rd of the way in.. still cardboard.  Perhaps I'm dying?  Nope.  I tried another food-item from my fridge and it was good and flavorful.  Eggshells would have more taste.  Miserable.

  I get mad at people ahead of me at a Subway's.  They order a bunch of circus bullshit on a nominal sub.  A meatball sub, when ordered and asked what else you'd like on that should not include more than salt, pepper, oregano, parmesan or provolone cheese.  I see these Bozo-tards ordering lettuce, mustard, chipotle sauce, gummy-bears, butterscotch, hot-fudge, wintergreen Tic-Tacs, plastic-forks, ice, californium, squid, canned-owl, hyperspace, Britain, Hot-Wheels, sawdust, R.Kelly, napkins, Alpha Centauri, metal filings, monkey paw with 3 wishes left, C-batteries, tinfoil, anvils, an ape, crayons, parking meters, ghost reduction, djinn, miniature-animated-Donkey-Kong flaming-barrels, tape (both kinds, masking and duct), Coke Zero, baby squirrels, Darth Vader action figures, shoelaces, Nazi gold, gelfilte fish, quarks, spicy mustard, math, and Catholic communion-wafers.  What the hell?!!  I blame marijuana.  I want to slap these folks in the mouth-face.  Who taught you that this was acceptable on this planet?  It is not.  It is NOT!  STOP IT. 

  Actually, all of those items would have helped my "Spicy Italian" disaster.  I guess I should have told them to "hold the cardboard".  Maybe I should have followed suit?  When in Rome perhaps?

  I threw the sandwich away in misery.  Subways?  Fail-ways.  Always.  That's how Jarred lost his weight.  He gave up eating, for good.

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