Monday, September 8, 2014

Trayvon II: Electric Boogaloo

So it seems there was a bit of a scuffle in Ferguson, Missouri recently, and quite a few folks got themselves ruffled like the gentlemen of the town might all-a-flurry over a case of balderdash upon the disagreement of the local constabulary and a 12-foot, 600-pound and 80-stone, male mountain-gorilla from what seems to have been Darkest Africa with a libidinousness for rolled tobacco fire-stick panatela and a scallywag ruffian pugnaciousness for fisticuff brigandtry!
"Someone stole Swisher Sweets?!  We're on it in a FLASH!"
Alleged last-photo of Michael Brown Jr.

Likes cigars.
So this 18-year-old man named Michael Brown Jr. was 6'4" and weighed just shy of 300 pounds, so pretty much the size of a bookcase filled with dog skulls.  At that immensity, such an imposing figure could barely fit through a doorway, depending on his hairstyle.  He would not be able to sit in a rowboat without it sinking, and God help us all this mountain could crush 20 infants at a daycare by merely slipping on an absently-minded, discarded banana peel.  Crush I say!  A product of genetic engineering that would make a Nazi scientist flush with embarrassed envy and make pee-pees in his parachute pants like a small dog losing its senses, this circus-bound behemoth obscured the sun as in such biblical times he'd look down on Goliath and darken the Land with his umbra of eclipse, casting night wherever he stood. 
Michael Brown Jr. actually had a system of moons that orbited him, and actually stole the Jovian moon Ganymede from Jupiter for 3 weeks by accident due to his own gravity he produced.  Indeed, he jumped once, causing the current Global Warming trend, as it was noon when he jumped upwards, and the Earth moved towards him and therefore towards the sun.  God save us.  God save us all and tremble at his visage!  The gnashing of teeth!  The gnashing of TEETH in our terror and wo.


Michael "The Beast of Despair" Brown Jr. entered a local convenience store at 11:51am on 15 August, and stole a delicious box of "cigarillos" of the delectable brand Swisher Sweets.  When confronted by the store owner, Michael "Dr. Doom" Brown Jr. assaulted the purveyor by force and left with his prize.  Nothing can stop this menace! 
The clerk contacted the police of the crime and cried, remembering that known drug-dealer Trayvon Martin who sold drugs to children at the playground may also have stolen candy and drinks from a store in Florida, and he was revered as a victim when confronted and asked why he was trespassing and then near-murdered a neighborhood-watch fellow who only wanted to ask a question but who's head was smashed apart.  Ah, many omitted that Trayvon stole the "Skittles". 
Baptism of Skittles cleanses all.
Guess that's okay to do?  Aww...  but merely only 6-foot, 180 pounds is not as threatening.  Perhaps this time.. there's a chance the scourge will be stopped?  If only?  The clerk prayed for God to help.  Will God send an angel of Light?
All is lost!  Wo to us!
 Officer Daren Wilson, highly decorated hero of The World arrived and took the report.  Noble in cause, true in purity and spirit like a Dudley Do-Right as a Knight of Light and Justice consoled the assaulted clerk and promised to help.  God smiles on this hero like a Flash Gordon on Ming's doom-world of Mongo, only one step separated from The Pope of Rome in purity like some Sir Galahad the Chaste with compassionate heart of purity and clarity of mind.  Blessed be!  Blessed BE!  Hooray for the hero!  We are saved!
A few minutes later, Officer Wilson saw the Beast like Michael the Archangel saw Lucifer.  Michael was standing in the middle of the street and Officer Wilson, begging for his safety, politely asked him to be careful and move to the sidewalk if he would so please do so at his earliest convenience, because a perpetrator of ill-repute had just robbed and assaulted a poor, defenseless clerk nearby.  Michael charged like the red fire-bull from The Last Unicorn (1982). 
The Demon of Hate, enraged with the fires of Hell grabs at the Good Son of William's only defense, "Please, sir!  Take to the sidewalk!  Do not ..." but it was too late.. Michael "Inferno Death-Mountain" Brown Jr. grabbed (possibly God's second son) Wilson's pistol and shot himself repeatedly in the head to end the madness like some hanging Judas, knowing far too well the torment of his own actions would only lead to more suffering.  Sometimes God sorts out these matters.  Should God be on trial then?  God's Will?  God's "Will"iam?
The Weeping Virgin, Officer Daren "The Beloved" Wilson (of God) fell to his knees, "Why?  Oh my Lord in Heaven on high, why?"  Virginal tears fell upon the corpse of the animal-manthing. 
An onlooker declared, "It wasn't the gun.. it was beauty... that killed the beast."
Upon all of this, the local orcs thought it'd be a nice idea to destroy the town and rape it, which they did in a blood-lust, their demonic bastard-man banished to The Abyss.  A few weeks later, after all was destroyed, the National Guard air-dropped watermelon and Football Season started a week early, so they stopped and went back home, satiated and full of sweet, sweet melon, plus fried chicken and crack cocaine, and later that night, they dreamt of false honor and impotent goals and how often they hypocritically broke the Bible's First Commandment and were content, snuggled with warm blankets and NFL and rind.
The End
Obama, originally outraged, is quieted by fried-chicken, apparently, as he's said (and done) nothing since the onset.
Closing arguments.
Well.. that's how I've seen it anyway.  Might as well give a reverse-account, no?  It's just the whole deal is so one-sided, I'm taking a ridiculous reverse counter-statement.  Do I believe any of this?  No.  Not at all.  It's a tragedy the young man was shot, that he assaulted the store-clerk, and apparently the officer who, in my opinion, over-reacted.  Where's that pepper-spray at, bud?  Couldn't reach for that?  Panicked, did you?  Yep, probably.  Panicked.  Panicked and shot.  Should be fired, and jailed for homicide, though a lengthy trial that'll be painful as all get-out first, of course, followed by more riots.  Speaking of, that vigil did not honor Mr. Brown one bit.  A silent night vigil in solidarity, banded together would have honored the man with greater volume, not some murderous, pillaging rampage that transpired.  Disgusting and disrespectful to the memory of the thief/boy.  Free Barabbas indeed, my friends.  A total failure on all parts.  Sad.  Is this where we're at?  Is this where America's at?  I'm disgusted.  I blame Generation Zero.
I'm sure to get a lot of heat from this, probably to never work in the US again.  Ah, well.  Such is Freedom of Speech, no matter how unpopular.  Please re-read the closing arguments.  This is a parody, folks.

No comments:

Post a Comment