Monday, June 27, 2016

Captain America - Civil War, the worst movie ever made

 Can't we all get along and gay-it-up?

  This movie was the blockbuster film of the year and it makes me want to leave this country in disgust.  It tries to come-off as being smart and action-y but ends up being retarded and boring.  Here's the synopsis:

Oh, this movie so so GAY!

  The Avengers destroy cities and so the UN makes a document so that when they "save the day" they don't blow up everything all the time, using The Avengers and other super-heroes more carefully.  In the meantime, Bucky (Winter Soldier) wants to find out where he was brainwashed in Russia for something to do because his character is very boring and needs some depth. One Avenger looks at the document on a random page.  None of The Avengers bother to read the UN document (known as the Sokovia Accords in Marvel Universe lore).  Half of them don't want to sign anything, particularly Captain America for no good reason.  Baron von Zemo (who's super-cool in Marvel comics) is costumeless and boring here and tries to add some extra monkey-wrench tension behind-the-scenes on both Bucky's and the unsigned document matters a tiny bit.  Captain America goes and gets Ant Man and Ironman goes and gets Spiderman and they fight uselessly at what seems to be an abandoned German airport (?) for a bit over who's gonna sign or not, but, of course, they just fight without any real damage for the sake of it like little kids might in a playground.  The non-signers get "arrested" by SHIELD and Bucky finds the brainwash place long-abandoned with the help of Captain America and Ironman finds him there and they fight again and eventually taken-in by SHIELD and put in "jail" until they sign.

Captain Hello-Kitty-Gay

  What's amusing is that Trey Parker and Matt Stone of Southpark fame did this with Team America  back in 2004 when Paris was wrecked.  Story problems are everywhere and cinematography is some of the worst ever made.  Do you like shaky-cam?  This is the whole movie.  It's like the camera was put into a paint-shaker.  The camera scenes are like being thrown in an off-aligned washing machine on full-spin.  The camera is like Michael J. Fox on cocaine during an earthquake and he has to pee real bad during a Grand Mal seizure while Mike Tyson is punching him and the camera.  This is the most extreme cut-scene, shaky-cam film of all time.  The idea of shaky-cam is to "promote extra excitement" but it was completely played-out by the end of Gladiator in 2000 some 16 years ago.  The extreme jump-cut scenes lasting only 0.5 seconds (or less) was cartoonishly over-used in Quantum of Solace in 2008 to a nauseating effect (with less but some shaky-cam) ruining the very interesting Aston Martin versus Blofeld-inspired Alfa Romeo car chase at the beginning of the film.  Ultimately, both film-styles of hyper-speed jump-cutting or shaky-camera techniques should be used VERY sparingly, maybe for one or two seconds at-most in a film (as well as lens-flare, I'm talking to you JJ).

  I was sitting fairly close when I went to watch CA:CW and had to move 5 rows back as most of the audience was getting motion-sickness.  Most of the audience complained about it and began filtering back, grumbling.  Colors and contrast-ratios were also poor.  Consider early John Carpenter works where the contrast-ratios are high, creating shadows and depth.  Nope.  Contrast is zero'ed here.  No depth of field.  Just blah.  Sound dynamics were equally neutral and compressed and poorly done, talking the same volume as massive explosions.

  Some vomit-worthy issues were based around the assembly of the "big payout" fight at the unusually abandoned though seemingly fully-functioning airport (did everyone just evacuate?)  This seems so .. cheap.  Captain America just picking-up Ant Man for no reason except for the big-fight, only to be dropped-off afterwards is eye-rolling, "Oh, let's just get him, use him, and then drop him off.. because.. more Avengers and reasons).  Likewise, 15 minutes is dedicated to getting Spiderman (seemingly age 16) in New York by Tony Stark is odd.  Aunt May is expertly played happily by America's 1980's sweetheart, Marisa Tomei who's a surprise/delight but then is fine with Tony just going into her son's room with the door locked (and strange noises) with an eccentric and known-drunkard.  She never questions it!  Oddly, Peter Parker is taking Algebra in school at age 16.  I took it when I was 12 back in 1982.  Schools teach it in 5th-grade now, sometimes 4th grade (age 9).  I was taking Calculus when I was 16 and I'm no mythical-genius Peter Parker!  Not likely would a school hold-back Peter to re-take Algebra.  Stupid writing.  Algebra is grade-school stuff.  Sorry, Liberal-Left, math-deficient, Californian pot-heads, you're showing your ignorance and failed life-choices here.

Do you even von Zemo?

  Baron von Zemo (here known as Helmut Zemo) is an impotent sub-villain.  In Marvel Comics he's amazing, maybe as amazing as Dr. Doom.  Here, he's just a nerdy, tiny little man who sort of aggravates the situation to slow-up progress mildly.  ScarJo (she hates that btw) mentions that everyone's "pulling their punches" which is true (making the whole showdown stupid) and changes her mind at the last moment and switches sides, I guess because "a girl can change her mind"?  No reasons there, just a plot-exit.


  It all leads-up to a useless fight of more destruction that makes no sense as they're not too serious about it like some safe Pokemon battle where no one gets really hurt much.  It's all quite childish, not something an adult would ever do.  Spidey and Ant Man steal the show here, the others just mucking about.

Original Civil War Marvel Universe fight-scene.  Sony hijacked many of these characters to ill-effect.

  Such a waste of time, the whole movie.  Probably the worst I've seen ever.  I even prefered Manos: Hands of Fate more than this junk.  Action-y?  Sure, when you can actually see it.  I'm not a slow-vision kind of guy.  I've raced motorcycles and taken them to track days and placed against pros.  I've driven over 160mph in sports-cars many times.  I'm a semi-professional sword-fighter and a Kung-Fu expert in 4 styles.  I'm not slow by any means, reaction and vision-wise, else I'd be dead by now.  The movie is junk and it horrifies me any American likes this junk.  It saddens me that Americans like this junk.  So stupid.  God help us.  Oh, look!  Here comes Ghostbusters!  Wait...

No chippy for you.

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