Monday, March 17, 2014

The Hollywood Reboot Syndrome

"Look, I made a new origin for Star Trek!  I changed everything about it!  F*ck Mike Cronis and 3 billion fans!" -- JJ.Abrams

 Hollywood seems to like to reinvent stories already told, thinking some young director could do a better job, or maybe America forgot about it somehow.  9 times out of 10 this is not the case, the only reboot I can think that was worthy might have been by his own self:  Alfred Hitchcock did a reboot of his own story, The Man Who Knew Too Much 22 years after he already did it, if only improved with more lavish scenes and better suspense shots in details.  If someone's going to reboot a story, I guess it's okay if the guy who invented it started over, though not for George Lucas.  No sir.  You had your chance.  You may not continue.  Put the director's chair down sir!

  I'm tired of it, and I think it's produced for the Generation Zero'ers who can't remember a movie from last year, and a film that was made 5 years ago is considered an old-timey classic.  "Oh, gee!  You remember that old, classic Avatar?"  Yeah.  5 years ago.  Sure.

  I get sick of it.  I know Spiderman's origin.  I've watched it several times already since the 1960's.  Personally I'm not a fan of this new 30-year-old passing-off to be an 18-year-old, scrawny, nerd-wimp.  Doesn't work.  Man that hair is so 1994 Axe Body Spray Commercial dumb.  Why is he coming off edgy-cool-rough when he was a pasty nerd during his origin era?  Oh!  Oh, we need to connect with the Generation Zero-brain-ers!  Yeah!  Make Spidey.. cooool.  Nerds are now cool!  He's so post-modern Andy Warhol spunk splatter cool "hipster" edge.  Yeah!  ... ... no.  Spiderman connected with true nerds, not kids who wear glasses with no lenses for style-effect.  Spidey was the un-hero, the formula of a not-super-human given powers for good.  Nerds are socially retarded, hence the triumph when he finally married Mary Jane in 1987.  I was there.  It was part of my life.  I was that nerd, that introvert with delusions of grandeur (that came true, mostly).  I am no hipster that goes to Whole Foods and listens to Arcade Fire.  I listened to Rush, the un-rock-band throughout. 

I buy my clothes at WalMart because I'm still fashion-retarded (happily so).  I spend no more than $8 on jeans ($6 on sale sometimes) yet I have a nice house, some fruiting trees and a tiny vineyard enough to produce 9 bottles of wine a year, and a cool car in the garage with a sportbike.  Lots of nice things.  I just don't value pop-culture-blandness that is meaningless (to me anyway).  I had an Odyssey2 when everyone else owned Atari and I brought the instruction manuals with me to school to study and got teased for playing Dungeons & Dragons and liking computers.  I wear that badge, hipsters.  When I wear a Star Trek shirt it's because I loved it, not just to be ironic.  You can change my oil now, bullies.  Oh, wait, nevermind.  I'll do it myself.  Now you're unemployed.  Aww.. Enjoy my tax-scraps, bitches.  I throw my d20 at your face, and .. it seems you rolled a one.  Critical fail.  Now sit in your pee-pants.

Um.. duh?

  I think the Gen-Zero'ers don't care about the past whatsoever.  They ignore it utterly.  I'm not sure why.  Is it because there's a gnawing feeling that their generation's efforts are meaningless and without effort, so empty like their own minds?  I myself never had a problem with movies before I was born.  I did not loathe them so readily.  I watched Logan's Run and Bullit and Robinson Crusoe on Mars and Westworld (and it's sequel Futureworld) with no problem.  I watched the original The Day the Earth Stood Still and it didn't suck donkey tails, it was actually quite poignant. 

What I watched in childhood in film: Futureworld

  I don't need reboots.  Society doesn't need them.  Just remaster and re-release them with a very light touch-up and you'd be surprised how well that does!  I don't need it in 3d (I think that's dying-off now, thankfully, like it did in the '80s and even before in the late '50s.. every 30 years it seems).  Just give me good acting and a good story with minimal special effects spared only for content and not razzle-dazzle to distract me from bad directing.  I don't need a spectacle unless it fits.  Like sex-scenes in movies with no purpose just to "get it on film" to hope it's a hook.  Sigh.  No.

  So a few movies are being reboot.  Terminator Genesis is a trilogy that starts filming in a few weeks that's a reboot.  We don't need that.  Not at all.  I refuse to cater to kids too lazy to realize there's 100 years of film to enjoy.  How about we stop all movies for 10 years to let everyone catch-up?  There's some really good work out there.  Start with the Academy Award winners and runner-ups and go from there.  Each decade has something to offer for everyone.  Seriously.  The last 20 years or so have been lacking.  If you read my blog on "Best movies of the 2000's" (which should have won a Pulitzer Prize, btw) There were a scant few to mention: The Dark Knight, Slumdog Millionaire, O Brother Where Art Thou, The Wrestler, Cast Away, and Downfall.  That's about it.  I added a few personal favorites there, but the remaining movies of the 2000's were.. not so good.  Even the Lord of the Rings trilogy was a bit pretentious for those who'd seen the Ralph Bakshi version (which I preferred).  Honestly, it was a "reboot" as well, if you think about it.  Bakshi did it first.  It was my childhood, and it was great.  Today's kids can't defend what "their" generation is offering.

Gandalf in Bakshi's animated masterpiece, Lord of the Rings

  Originals are almost always better, why not just expand on them instead of re-booting them?  I don't need a Superman origin series.  No one on Earth needs that!  Krypton blows up but not before dad sends him to Earth where its sun gives him super-powers and he champions civilians for the greater good.  Sure.  Got it.  Got the T-Shirt.  Bought into that in 1969, others even earlier. 

  I refuse to cater to these no-brain kids because these reboots are more spectacular and less story to satisfy their parents' upbringing by way of shoving TV in their faces with anger and color exploding into their impatient eyes 24x7.  The newer versions are not grittier or cooler and on-par at-best.  I get divorced from concern when everything looks like a video game by way of special effects.  Anyone remember all 3 space battles in the recent Star Wars movies?  You know, the one at the end of Phantom Menace, or the final battle in Attack of the Clones or the beginning of Revenge of the Sith?  No?  You can't explain it in detail?  Now can you remember the final battle in Star Wars (Ep.IV) when they destroy the Death Star?  Yeah?  You can?  Luke flying then shooting the torpedo through the trench during the TIE fighter attack?  What about the Battle at Hoth with the snow-walkers in Empire Strikes Back?  Yeah?  What about the crazy battle with the Ewoks / Vader / 2nd Death Star with the Millennium Falcon with Billy Dee Williams at the helm?  You can?  Well GEE!  It's because those weren't CGI computer-graphics.  You felt engaged in the scenes.  So what happened during Revenge of the Sith space-battle-wise?  Don't remember?  Thought so.  Listen-up, Hollywood.  No one with a brain likes CGI.  Stop it. 

I remember this scene in Star Wars when I saw it in Maine.  This was at the "Academy" as they used binoculars to watch the Star Destroyer knock-out Leia's ship.  It was rather lengthy.  I have a copy of the 4 hour uncut Star Wars now, from Lucas' home vault.  The Death Star Battle at Yavin is a full hour.

Fuckin' Mike Cronis, that bitch!  Ha ha!
And stop the reboots.  Don't get me started on Star Trek now aka Buck Rogers.  Kids these days can't conceptualize dialoge or emotion.  Let's just smash running, frantic colors, and pseudo-science in their faces and dissolve the bold, triumphant works of Roddeberry by pissing all over it.  If I ever see Abrams I'll smack him in the face.  I swear.  I swear.

Col. Wilma Deering of the Earth Defense Force asks, "What's wrong with Buck Rogers, bitch?"
Princess Ardala concurs, "You like me now, Tigerman?"

Tweeky, sans Dr.Thadeus, asks Gil, "Whatchya lookin' at, Buck?"   Buck's reply, "Boobs.  Boobs everywhere."

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