Friday, July 6, 2012

A Lament to the Epicene

Macaronis or (dandies) discussing acquisition of tea.  Notice the effeminate legs.

  Back in the 1700s, meterosexuals existed in the name of, dandy or also, the Americanized slang version (at the time) was called a macaroni.  Yep, "stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni" is an insult at Yankee meterosexuals.  Adopting the French way of effeminate dressing and slenderizing, some colonials would full-on-gay-it-up, wearing women's clothes and the like.  Now, considering the state of affairs at the time, de-stinking yourself might not have been that bad an idea, as life was not unlike camping in a log cabin for the first 100 years or so.  The practice of bathing or showering was frowned-upon, and indoor plumbing was only a dream.  Initial indoor plumbing started around 1820, aside from the Greeks use, heck they invented everything, eh?, though destroyed in the Dark Ages). Indeed, the first showers didn't get reinvented until around 1820 or so.  Stinky.

You want me to paint your portrait, fag?   I dunno... Oh?  $1000?  Well then sir you have my interest!  What, you want me to paint you as a lady!?  Is that lipstick you're wearing?  Where's that other hand?
- Macaroni Dandy getting portrait painted -

   So the term, Yankee Doodle Dandy is broken-down into the following entomology:
  • Yankee
    • This word is questionable, as sources are varied.  Generally it means colonial in a derogatory sense, but most believe the origin comes from the Dutch meaning "cheese eater".  Americans do love our cheese now, don't we?  It is associated best with the Dutch due to the settling of New Amsterdam (now New York) because the Dutch settlers would make the best cheese in the colonies and British (not yet at war) would remark, "Oh, look.  Here comes John Cheese." in a derogatory manner, which, in Dutch was pronounced, (Yan-Kees).
  • Doodle
    • A fool, simpleton, or sucker to swindle.
  • Dandy
    • A faggoty McFaggy Pants, or a Macaroni.  A fancy, saucy, spank McFag.

The Macaroni Dandy McFaggy Pants McGee
  I'm amused kids still sing the song, I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy, A Yankee Doodle do or die.  Nice.  Heck, we didn't know what we were singing, but maybe some of it subliminally sunk-in to my fellow classmates, because now there's a lot of freakin' "Yankee doodle dandies" out there, and here's why...

Notice the Creme Filled gays, owned by the Devil
  It started with the stinky girls.  They'd shave off their pubic hair, starting in the 1970s with the armpits as a possible source of stank.  This happened right around the time deodorant became a bit common.  Before 1975, it was pretty rare for anyone to wear deodorant.  My nose as a child remembers this vividly.  (Pretty cool of me making an olfactory reference through a visual term, eh?)  Yes it is.  I'm awesome.

Sniffer-Cat demands you go back to the shower and wash again, this time using SOAP!
   By the mid-1990s, it migrated the the coochy, first as a stripe, then full-off.  Not every girl did this, because they weren't dirty pirate hookers and didn't reek of pestilence.  Over a while, girls started talking, seeing each other in showers, being forced to watch adult films with their respective boyfriends, etc.  A few of the guys liked the practice and sold it to them.  A lot of girls now shave a good portion of their pubic hair, or at least trim it neatly.  Leg shaving became envogue in the 1940s to beautify nylon stockings which are now generally defunct, as almost no one wears skirts or nylons anymore (poor Leggs ), yet the odd practice remains, so the practical function of shaving legs is lost.  Society in America almost demands it, however, albeit for no reason except, "it looks better".  Personally, one way or the other it doesn't bother me.  My wife pleasantly adheres to the Americanized standards as all women seem to.

Dirty Pirate Hooker
   Strange forearm shaving is not common amongst women.  Doesn't that look better too?  You listening Alyssa Milano?  I guess that'll be next.  Alyssa shaved her notoriously hairy arms for her wedding fairly recently.

Alyssa Milano autographing during a March, 2009 event (notice forearms untamed)

Alyssa Milano wedding 5 months later in August, 2009 (notice forearms)

  I met a guy who had to baby-powder his nether region in 2005 because of the reek.  He was a very slutty guy.  He'd sleep with incredibly, slutty girls that shaved completely in their hopes they wouldn't stink so bad.  It didn't help, but I guess it made them feel more clean in some way.  She convinced him to perform the same practice.  In adult films, men started shaving their nethers.  It first started in body-building competitions to show definition.  Guys would seemingly dip themselves in vegetable oil after "exfoliating" all their chest hair.  Not all body-builders do this, even to this day, but it's pretty common practice.  It's functional to show definition in minute detail.  Body-building to that extreme is a bit creepy anyway, and might shorten your lifespan, depending on your path, but whatever.

Maybe too much?

  Ah, but now we're getting to the heart of the matter, and my musings and such.  It's a sad time that the women's practice of shaving nethers has migrated to men.  A movie (I forget which) announced, "Don't you know it makes your ding-dong look bigger if you shave?!"  Well, that alone sparked a rash (literally) of shavers.  More junk has been nicked and cut by errant razors in the last 10 years encouraged by their lady friends.  I'm certain the 2005-baby-powder guy mentioned above was the first to shave.  This whole thing is a shame and a scam.  Ballywick, I say!  Boulderdash!

You listening, Obama?

  There are several reasons why we should not do this practice.
  1. It's generally dangerous. 
    • Cutting yourself there can easily get infected.  Your ballz could fall-out and onto the floor and when you chase after it you could kick it into the dog's bowl who'd run off with it in some 1980s film-style Turner and Hooch like madness. 
    • Having an open wound there makes STDs far more easy to get into your blood stream.
    • Macaronis will be attracted to you.
    • Shaving bumps there (ingrown hairs aka pseudofolliculitis barbae) cause infection.  You don't want your codpiece to drop off onto the floor (where the dog will run off with it like a bone).
  2. It's generally gay.
    • Undoubtedly the Macaronis and Dandies (same thing, really, though I'm sure they fought it out with pillows on the subtle differences and got hurt) shaved their nethers to gay-it-up.
    • Women seem to have a latent lesbian fetish that is satisfied by this.  If your woman wants you to shave there, she probably really wishes you were a girl.  Do you want your woman to strip your manhood mane from you?  If so, you're a dandy macaroni.
    • If your girl doesn't like your manly body hair, she's a lesbian in denial.
    • It makes you look like an 11 year old boy, you Penn State coach, you.  Citizens-arrest yourself now.
    • If you do, you're a faggot.
  3. It's generally not going to help.
    • If you're doing this for stank reasons, it's not going to help.  You have a real issue with bacteria if you stink.  Use more soap.  A LOT of soap.  Not that effeminate gay Soft Soap crap, but real bar soap like Irish Spring or Ivory or pumice.  No amount of shaving is going to change that.  The hair does not harbor more bacteria (well, not as much as you think).  Learn how to wash and clean yourself and be a grown-up.
    • It doesn't look better (despite what your lesbian girlfriend says).
    • Why waste your time on this?  You don't look better.  Get a nice haircut instead.

I got a nice haircut, man!
Now I'm not against trimming for those folks that look like a 1970s blacksploitation film where the hair stands-out afro-style about a good foot or so.  That can be a nuisance as it'll get caught in things and snag, and you probably have other problems as well, so I won't interfere.  Bushwack it down to an inch depth or so and I won't tell if you don't.  Same with all body hair.  If you're hairier than Robin Williams, well, it gets hot outside and you can trim it down as you would your sideburns.  I'm fine with that somewhat.  You shave your legs though and you get a boot to the head.
  The main idea is clean.  I'm a fan of clean.  As a man, you don't have to be though.  It's your manly right to stink and be hairy and a bit dirty.  Don't give up your right!  In the following film, Ron Burgandy approves of Brian Fantana's cologne, Sex Panther, indicating, "It's quite pungent!  It's a formidable scent!  STINGS the nostrils."   Ron says this approvingly.  It's every man's right to smell offensive and should.  It's a bold statement and being bold is a man's RIGHT


Please, kids.  Don't dandy yourself up to be a faggy McFaggy Pants.  Don't wear Skinny Jeans and shave your body hair so you look like a girl (unless you're gay, then go see a shrink, because you hated your mommy, and daddy wasn't there?  Awww..... idiot.)


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