Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Zombies Hate Brains

 Hi, my name is Mike Cronis, and I'm an expert.

  So I'd say I'm pretty much an expert on Zombie-Lore.  I know origins from Haiti as the nzumbe, the zonbi, the resurrection-technique of Voudu (voodoo) and its requirements for success et. al. (ie. don't use a pigeon when it calls for a chicken) for the purpose of work detail or other, less savory reasons.  I'm violently familiar with George Romero's works, as well as other pop-culture pulp-fiction recent junk, such as the kiddish Walking Dead series geared for the pre-teenage mind.   I know how to stop them via disintegration, burning, decapitation.  I know how to distract them via bright lights ala City of the Dead.  I know they have retained some initial memories ala Day of the Dead.  I know they can learn things. 

  I know of real accounts of undead zombie resurrection by way of In Search Of from the 1970's when I watched it when it was prime-time TV.  I know of the AD&D zombie culture, such as the ollam-onga variant, the ju-ju more-intelligent variant from the Monster Manual II, all the creature-variants and zombie-lords, the yellow-musk-creeper zombie from The Fiend Folio (I had the 1st edition in 1981 personally).  I literally could go on for hours and hours.

  I know that typically in media, the same formula time and time again.  For some reason, people love the same stuff like little kids.  It goes like this: 
  • World gets a zombie infection, and structure breaks-down
  • Group of survivors form over time, but eventually kill/fight each other pointlessly.
  • Loved character gets bit and has to be put-down (boo-hoo),
  • Walking-zombies are often considered nonthreatening at a distance until it's too late.
  • Zombies take-over despite efforts, one person may escape (pointlessly by now).
  • Sometimes government military show up and save everyone (alternate ending versions).

  Yawn.  Same-old, same-old.  Still, one truth seems to be amazingly, falsely popular amongst zombie-fans that my wife Becky brings-up, and that's zombies don't actually eat brains.  When have you ever seen this?  I have not in any zombie media.  Not ever. 

  Zombies will bite-into people, eat their entrails, gnash at limbs and infect others, but you never see a zombie actually pull-off someone's head and actually eats the brain-pan nor go for it right-away?  Indeed, perhaps for sake of shock-factor, directors, (even G.Romero is guilty of this) show entrails, guts, sinew, etc. being gnashed and chewed but not actual brains.  You think if they wanted brains so much, they'd go right for that, no?

  Upon more consideration, I suspect zombies (like those who watch Robin Meade on CNN whom actually tells of no news whatsoever and is just Miss Ohio eye-candy with passive-aggressive behaviour against her counterpart Jennifer Wethoven) are actually just saying "brains" as if they're indicating that their brains are affected by something and they can't control themselves, but somehow know their brains are ailing.  Indeed, it seems to be that they're asking for help, rather than indicating a desire for cerebral-cortex-consumption.  It's as if they're saying in shorthand (as they seemingly can't complete a full-sentence) "Hey, my brain is messed-up!  You gotta help me!  Something's totally wrong here, and I seem to want to gnash at body-parts now!"

  If we only listened.  Poor devils.  Well-done, Becky.  Well-done.


  1. Maybe those people had a strizzoke in their brizzains, my schniggie!

    I was always under the impression that the whole zombie/brains connection came from the 1985 horror comedy Return of the Living Dead ( Maybe I'm wrong though. If you've never seen this film, maybe you should check it out. It's still funny to me, even at this point.

    Here's a link to a clip from RotLD where they explain the zombie fascination with brains, which I'm guessing is where it was picked up on by popular culture (or just motards that you work with, myself included), followed by a clip of the infamous Tarman attacking Suicide and going right for his brain. Enjoy!

    As a bonus, here's a clip of Suicide and his friend Trash (played by Scream Queen Linnea Quigley):


  2. Brain and Brain, what is Brain!?