Friday, March 2, 2012

McDonald's Fail

  McDonald's has been ramping up their McCafe line for about a year or so now.  It's pretty horrible stuff, but SUV women seem to like it, according to their demographics.  Their coffee is marginally better than Starbucks, who makes the worst coffee on earth, and then adds candy-cane flavoring to hide it, so you get a hot, somewhat-coffee-flavored drink (or cold).  The "Frappuccino" concept was something Dunkin'Donuts has been doing since 1974 (aka "ice coffee"), except they add more corn syrup in it, like they do their other coffees, such as their poorly-designed machiatto which inexplicably has caramel in it.  Well, fake caramel, anyway.  It's really just caramel-flavored corn-syrup.  Those SUV chicks really dig their corn-syrup!  Makes for fat-ism, but I like pudgy chicks anyway (not fat ones, just those with baby-fat, like young Jennifer Connelly, for instance, or young Rene' O'Connor).
  Irregardless (yes, it's a Boston word, pronounced, "Irr-eh' gahhd-liss"), they have marched onto changing their shakes.  Yep.  They add whipped cream on them.  It's a synthetic, long-shelf-life cellulosed "whipped cream" that may or may-not be non-dairy.  It's hard to tell.  They add a chemically-synthesized vat-cloned maraschino cherry on it as well.  The candied cherry is a bit rough tasting and chemically as is the "pseudo-whipped cream".  It doesn't stop there.  The actual pre-mix substance they were using for their shakes tastes more "authentic" in the sense it tastes more like shit.  The original mix had some ice-crystals in it of some such that made it nice in a McDonald's kinda way.  The new version tastes like lark's vomit.  The vanilla is trying waaaayyyy too hard, like a French Resistance Vanilla.  More like vanyllyn synth.  The chocolate is a nightmare.  It reminds me of being chased by Robert Englund's Freddy Kruger except when he played on the '80s TV miniseries, V.  (which by the way was such a huge impact on TV in the early '80s, schools actually stopped teaching to discuss it that week, and no one watched anything else.  I think it had a Nielsen rating of around 85%).
 It's sad companies have to ruin a good thing.  McDonald's shakes were just fine the way they were.  I fear the Shamrock Shake's warping. 
  Burger King has responded by doing the same, though I believe they are on a trial basis, and still keep their original formula, which is good.  I think BK offers cones too, and some mini-sundaes.  I've had them.  They're fair, for a dollar.
  Worse still is the pickle.  Yep.  The pickle has been dill since I can remember, until recently.  In the mid-'90s, places were switching their spears in sit-down restaurants to salty, garlic ones.  They're crap.  No one likes these.  Gimme a Vlasic any day.  A Kosher Dill or a Polish Dill (very slightly spicier) is great.  No one buys garlic-y pickles.  Still, restaurants insist.  The garlic demands that if a couple is dining, both parties must partake, lest the non-eater suffer garlic-y kisses.  Blah.  This makes the clever dater/diner forgo the pickle, increasing overhead for the restaurant and overall waste.
  Wendy's has changed their pickles from the hamburger-chips they used (a dill variant McDonald's currently uses) to a garlic-y bread-and-butter crinkle design.  Probably more expensive and they taste like crap and misplaced on a chicken sandwich or anything else, ruining the overall taste.  Wendy's also changed their bun to some sort of potato-based thing.  Not horrible but pretty un-Wendy's.  The Frosty has undergone some diabolical alchemical designs as well.  Just not good.  LEAVE IT ALONE!  Sheesh.
  On a side note, The Phantom Menace has been re-released in 3D at the theaters.  No one is going to see this, except for young kids who say, "This is my Star Wars" because they were born too late and desperately wish to attach to something that is of value in the last 10 years, but there's nothing that great, so they honor and respect something that's shit, because their generation is empty and they have nothing else.  Really, has there been any great music bands that have formed since, say, 1995?  Any band that has say, 20 or 30 albums, all platinum?  Nope.  The Empty Generation, with their iPhones teaching them no skill-set except l33t.  '90s Generation?  Fail.  2000nds Generation?  Fail.



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