Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Wow! It turns out, I'm GAY!

  NOT.  Well, at least I got your attention, eh?  Yeah, no.  I like dem ladies.  They smell nice.
  Anyway, one thing (more) that I can't stand is that syrupy-sweet customer-service person, particularly in restaurants, but also places of commerce like Best Buy and what-not.  That, "gushing-over" happiness that's obviously forced.  In auto purchases, a grinning, loving salesman is dangerous.  Where I'm from, towards the middle of a transaction of a car purchase, you know you've been had.  It's important to STOP and find out what's wrong if the salesman and you agree on a price and he gets all chippy.  You've been just railroaded, buddy.  Usually, in New England, if someone you don't know suddenly is all super-smiles when they meet you something's up.  For girls, it probably means he wants to bang you and take-off.  If you're  a girl meeting a girl, she obviously hates you and trying to pretend to mask it, but you both know what's up.  Here's a chart for the sucker-ignorant that meet up with someone all gushing over you:

You're a                    and they're a              it means
======                   =========             ======
Girl                          Girl                             She hates you
Girl                          Guy                            Zoom-zoom boom-boom..
                                                                      (no, he doesn't think you're interesting)
Guy                         Girl                             Your waitress wants what's left in your account
Guy                         Guy                            Your car dealer just stole your wallet, sucker

This formula is pretty invariable.  If you think it's otherwise, you're a sucker.  Don't pretend that that waitress is so gosh-darn happy to see you.  She's in agony.  I know because I've waited before.  If she had won the lottery, which is the level of happiness she's exuding, she wouldn't be working tonight.  She'd drive by the joint and throw her corporate-shitty uniform with "flair" into the face of the manager on-duty and chuck him the finger.  At best a waitress can endure because she's given-up on life and accepted her lifetime prison sentence.  She's tired, her feet ACHE, her lower back ACHES, she has a headache from all the stupid noise and those IDIOT PEOPLE demanding and smiling over "Stomp-stomp, clap-clap, happy-happy birthday" bullshit songs that take them away from their desperate attempt to get food to their customers, hoping to God the cook didn't screw it up because that's ruins their tip, which is their livelihood as they make $2.75 an hour (waiter's salary).  The more gushy these waiters get, the more pain they're in.  Look into their eyes and see the desperation and understand how hard it is for them.  They may work 10 hours and make $27.50 of which 30% is taxed.  Imagine working 10 hours and coming home with $19, sometimes only making a few bucks in tips?  That's America, friends.  Their lives suck!  So all of you idiot frack-faces announcing your birthday at Red Robin just KNOCK IT OFF!  You self-absorbed jack-a-lopes!  You're NOT that important to ruin these people's lives because their tips are now in jeopardy because you took them away from food delivery getting ice-cold, salads wilting because you want to FORCE SLAVES to obviously FAKE bounce-around that it's your birthday AND you want all the quietly dining patrons to be RUDELY interrupted from their meals and lives to know about it.  Why are YOU so important?  Worse still are the jealous fools that think, "Hey, I want MY reward too!  I want MY birthday song!  I'm a REtard!"  You think you're so important?  You're NOT, otherwise you wouldn't be getting these poor sobs to spring around you like some unjust reward-song, these complete strangers who could give two shits about your birthday but they have NO CHOICE because management thinks it's a good idea.  COMPLETE STRANGERS ARE NOT HAPPY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!  Management thinks it's a good idea, to create a certain atmosphere.  Maybe somebody NEEDS that little uplift when no one in their lives would do that for them anyway.  You think people need synthetic light in their lives?  WRONG management.  WRONG.  It's ridiculous and annoying.  Your server is suffering, constantly.  Making them do more is more suffering.  They are NOT happy to serve you.  They're doing it so they can afford Ramen at home.  They DON'T love you and your screaming kids, and you and your family is NOT suddenly the best thing that's ever happened to them, as much as they act it to be.  If you believe that, you're a democrat and want to vote Pelosi and think Obama's increase in oil production for the US is for American consumption (guess again.. can you say, China?)
  That's right, kiddies.  I've been in the customer-service world deep, and let me tell you (in Rusty Nail's voice from the movie JoyRide):  "It's no f*ckin' picnic."  So, TIP your waitress GENEROUSLY even for mediocre service.  If she lays it on thick, ask her how busy it's been today and that her feet must hurt.  She'll break down and be HUMAN again, if only for a moment, a gracious reprieve that says, "My God, man, you know how I suffer to feed my kids!"  I'd rather have honest service than fake service.  You should too.  If you like the saccharine-laced Disney fakeness in the same way Disney raped the original novel The Hunchback of Notre Dame (I got news for you kids, it ends badly.  Read the book.  He disintegrates.) then I'll have Kevorkian's remaining team visit you and your offspring to make sure the gene pool isn't ruined with you or your mentally corrupted brain-fried brood.

Your waitress

Ciao, and have a happy last day of winter!


  1. You kind of bummed me out with this one. What brought this on?

    Kings Chef sometime soon?


  2. Wait, are you sad because waitresses suffer, or that gay's are fucked up?

  3. Yeah, the waitresses.