Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Chainsaw

   So I tackled a thorny tree this afternoon using a chainsaw.  It had been growing from under the fence of our neighbor who had cut it down on their side, but the roots survived and allowed it to come up on our side.  I think it was a species of Sumac but non-fruit bearing.  Had ample hardcore thorns that'd scratch the living bejezus out of me when I mowed.  Now I'm not one for cutting down trees but this tree was evil, or at least I deemed it so, as it'd physically attack me Kite-Eating Shultz-style at any opportunity.  Well, botany be damned, this monster shall perish!

  The tree was about 10 feet tall, give or take.  No leaves were sprouting from it yet, just hateful thorns ready to grasp and bite like some arboreal Cenobite demon.  I journeyed to Lowe's (the Pepsi to Home Depot's Coke) and got a small, electric-powered 1.5 Hp chainsaw.  It still required chain-oil in a rather small reservoir so I also purchased the chain oil and filled it (though surprised it filled after about a shot-glass' worth and overfilled it a tiny bit, having to dump it into my spent motorcycle oil pan still 1/2 full because I haven't taken to AutoZone for disposal).  I tied the electric cord square-knotted and pressed the release-button and then the trigger.  Rather loud for a 18" chained blade!
  So okay, I take a knee and get at the beast's three necks lumberjack-style: 

                               I didn't want to be a barber, I wanted to be a lumberjack!

 The chainsaw's performance is not elegant by any means.  I thought, like woodshop class back in 1982 it'd be like perhaps a Skill-saw or a band-saw, intense but smooth.  Not so with the chain-saw!  Nope!  No-sir-ee!  It explodes wood-chips every which way violently.  This is no light-saber.  It's more like a continuously-exploding grenade on a stick.  BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!  Shrapnel shooting like Katy Perry brazier fireworks the chainsaw is nothing but pure chaos.  It's more chaotic-neutral than a redhead.  It's .. chaotic-chaotic! 

  Screaming like a RC car it bludgeons through each of the necks, pausing only for more pressure by me as if to tell the small Fizgig of a beast that it's okay to eat.  Like CookieMonster it does, like some tasmanian-devil-wolverine hybrid on PCP it obliterates and I fell the tree (some of the branches getting a last-attack on my face-breast-chest-neck-head area) leaving three 3" thick stumps.


  Becky finishes the deed with giant hedgers, breaking down the parts as I fetch bags to barely contain the thorn demon branches.  Mission accomplished.
  Still, it's disappointing the chainsaw, even this tiny one, because it is so aggressively explosive and insane.  It's a bit intimidating too, like unleashing mini-hell-hounds, well, hell-chihuahuas at the target.  Merciless and bitingly mad.  So my first experience as a home-owner with a chainsaw is surprising due to it's extreme violence and what with the pieces all exploding around.  Luckily I wore safety goggles.  I wasn't going to, then I considered one of my carbon-fiber motorcycle helmets for protection.  I think that would have made a better choice.

1 comment:

  1. Really good article. Thanks for taking the time to explain things in such great detail in a way that is easy to understand.