Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Three Assasins

I've always been fascinated by "The Three Kings".  No, not the restaurant (well, I'm sure there's one named that somewhere).  I'm talking about the supposed Three Wise Men (aka 3 kings) that showed up at Ioshua (oh, sorry, aka Jesus') manger / birthplace in March (oh, sorry December 25th).  Honestly, how can anyone take the bible seriously if all these facts are jumbled that are easy facts, nevermind the hard-to-believe ones (ie. the first 8th of the Old Testament).  No wonder Muslims want to blow us up!  Ah, religion.  So salty and naughty.

When I was a kid, I thought it was kinda neet, three "wise men" following the "star of Bethlehem" to find Baby Jesus.  These were most likely, Melchior, Caspar, and Balthazar, however there are other findings of other names more "Persian" sounding that are possible.  Turns out these guys were not so neet.

Later in my life I found out that they were Muslim assassins but it turns out I was mistaken .. somewhat.  It seems that actually they were astronomers of a sort of which they had dealings with King Herod of Judea at the time who was concerned of a King of the Jews as since one of his favorite pastimes was killing rabbis and Jewish families and what-not for a fun-for-all, somewhat at random.  Herod later died of scabies, which is a bit amusing.  Anyway, Herod was concerned a King of those who he would often slaughter for fun and amusement was comin' round via prophesy so he told these traveling three astrologers (and probably a few others) that if they ever came across this Jesus fellow to let him know and/or kill the entire family.

Melchior, Caspar, and Balthazar ended up meeting Joseph and Mary in Bethlehem, likely in a hollowed-out cave shrine for the Sumerian god Tammuz as the local inns were full and Mary's relatives were all like, "Yeah, no.. sorry, we're full-up."  M, C, & B were so moved by the scene that they decided to give-up some of their merchant goods to the couple as they were poor and suffering of which Joseph likely hocked the next morning for some food and supplies to move-on.  M, C, & B then decided to take another route as to avoid Herod and blow him off because they figured Herod was nuts.

Herod eventually got word of things, however, totally pissed-off that the astronomers had blown him off and performed the great Massacre of the Innocents (which may have been blown out-of-proportion by historical sense) were kids under the age of 2 were slaughtered for a total of 26 kids in town (Bethlehem was a small town of about 500 at the time and only a few square miles) as well as a few more outside the outlying areas.  Joseph got rumor of this and he and Mary high-tailed it outa there with the money they made off the useless cologne and oil.  This is all very Moses-esque.  People who study Herod's life find this particular fact unlikely as Matthew when he wrote this wanted to satisfy a particular prophesy of Hosea.

Well, a guy I work with said that in his country that there's a long feast of the Three Kings where everyone is happy and gets along, etc.  People all say, "Happy Three Kings!" to each other.  I tried to warn him that his entire nation is duped, that the "three kings" were ultimately sent to kill Jesus.  I think he thought I was kidding and got annoyed with me.  I guess it's hard for people to realize their whole life is a lie.

The "magic" that Jesus made, aka "miracles" are unimportant.  A lot of people grasp on to that desperately.  People need magical things to justify faith.  I find it ridiculous and silly.  The most important thing is to remember the messages that were given, which was pretty much "Party on" and "Be excellent to each other".  Jesus was about sharing and helping people who feel bad.  Decent messages and worth dying for.  He did, anyway.

Wyld Stallyns my dear readers, and Merry Christmas (observed).

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